Here's Another Disappointment

The "Urban Legend" had it that seven cans of Red Bull would kill you. I've had four and didn't feel any ill effects. Now, Hani tells me he had seven the other night and he's still breathing.

He sent me this LINK so you can figure how much of a given non-alcoholic beverage it will take to do you in. Turns out I could off myself with fewer cans of Cherry Coke than with Red Bull. By 124 point something to 125. Good-bye kidneys. They don't list Lipton Citrus Flavored Green Tea. That's why I'm gonna live forever.

Speaking of that braggart Hani. Check out THIS latest installment on his blog. Notice he doesn't mention a certain five mile run in Alexandria (Egypt) last spring. Where was MY laurel wreath?

From "The Fifth Mountain" by Paulo Coelho

Everything that could have happened but did not is carried away with the wind and leaves no trace.

Life is made of our attitudes.

The Latest of My Many Public Humiliations...

So we were in Manama, Bahrain. There were four of us who decided to find a nice restaurant for our evening repast. Hani, Lynn, Chanda and me. We found a very nice asian-fusion place, Monsoon. The decor was like a Buddhist temple in Kyoto, the atmosphere convivial, the bill of fare sublime. Four good friends out for a nice evening.

Somehow (and I'm sure Hani will provide the details in a following comment) the subject of how many pushups we could do came up. This was strictly limited to the two guys, mind you. Anyway, the number 80 came up. For whatever reasons the challenge was laid bare. As we negotiated our appetizers I kept bringing it up. But, good taste would dictate we defer until a more appropriate time and venue.

Sadly, I've never been burdened with what society calls "good taste." I wouldn't shut up. Finally, just as the entrees arrived, the challenge was accepted. Out to the alley we went, like two bulls seeking dominance over the herd. Since I was the dumbass who couldn't keep his fool mouth shut I went first. I'm proud to say I did indeed knock out the aforementioned 80. Those last ten were tough, but the number lay in front of me like a finish line.

Upon standing up I noticed Chanda across the street videoing the thing. Then Hani drops down and proceeds to knock out 90! Curses! Foiled again!


To rub it in he said he could have gone for 30 more. Braggart! Turns out he's the three time defending champion of some kind of student athlete thing at University of Cairo.

Naturally I tried to milk the crowd for sympathy, being as how I was spotting the lad 31 years (Hey, at least I won my age group). He was giving me no satisfaction. In fact, at one point he told me a real man would accept the results with dignity and grace. Well, that's BS as far as I'm concerned. I have no use for dignity earned in a Bahraini back alley. Or anywhere else for that matter. I have no dignity and I've NEVER been graceful. Or gracious for that matter.

It was merely a way to celebrate Festivus. Feats of Strength. Next time I'll be content with "The Airing of Grievances."

Along the Road to Ithaca

While on the trip one of my friends, Lynn, picked up Paulo Coelho's book "The Zahir." A day or so later she tells me there was a poem in the Forward that reminded her of me. Huh? Turns out it was Cavafy's "Ithaca." Sharped eyed readers of this blog will recognize it from my post of 16 October 2005.

I told her I have a book of Cavafy's poems, which I bought in American University of Cairo's bookstore. Hani (of Hani's blog) reps for AUC and was on this trip too.

But, it gets better. The next day I'm getting off the elevator. Another of our group was there. We chit-chatted for a moment, about what I forget. As I was walking down the hall toward my room I tossed off one of my usual lines, "Just another stop along the road to Ithaca."

"What did you say?" she cried.

"What?"

"What did you say about Ithaca?"

"Oh, it''s just something I say from this poem."

"That poem is the inspiration for my life," she said. "How is it you know Ithaca?"

Kharma? Maybe.

If so there was one more little bit left.

In Nice I ran into my good friend Eva. You remember her. She's the one who Sharon Stone almost is good looking enough to look like. (Is that convoluted enough? You get my point.) Eva was the person who introduced "Ithaca" to me. And I completed the circle then and there (sort of) by introducing her to Lynn.

Just another stop along the road to Ithaca...

Good News, Bad News

Good News: I woke up the morning of November 17th in Nice, France.
Bad News: I had to leave.
Good News: Quickly got a taxi for the short (five, maybe eight, minutes tops)ride to the airport.
Bad News: She (the driver) boned me for 30 Euros (almost $40!)
Good News: Easy connecting flight to Paris' Charles De Gaulle airport.
Bad News: Charles De Gaulle airport is the biggest pain-in-the-ass airport in the world (in keeping with the tradition of Chuck De Gaulle his own self)
Good News: I had plenty of time to catch my flight to Cincinnati
Bad News: The security lines were incredibly long and slow (I counted 42 security cameras at my gate alone)
Good News: An Air France employee told me I had a Business Class ticket. Could this possibly be true? Suddenly visions of actually being comfortable for a nine hour flight danced in my head. (Of course, she was rude, but that goes without saying.)
Bad News: And she was wrong.
Good News: But, it was an emergency row seat. Leg room!!
Bad News: It was right (and I mean RIGHT) by the toilets.
Good News: I had two books to read.
Bad News: No way would it be possible to sleep (They shouldn't feed people on planes. It only encourages their bowels.)
Good News: I read both books on the Paris to Cinci hop. "The Zahir" by Paulo Coelho and "The Bhagavad Gita."
Bad News: The Air France "meal" gave me the runs. Hence the toilets.
Good News: We landed in Cinci, I got my luggage (which had to then be checked through US security) and cleared customs in a snap.
Bad News: The Security luggage check took over an hour.
Good News: Delta (Air France partner) gave me a $7 Starbucks coupon for my troubles.
Bad News: I still had a three plus hour drive to Athens.
Good News: Got my car and headed out.
Bad News: Couldn't keep my eyes open. If Rte. 32 ever had any traffic I would have had a wreck.
Good News: I stopped at a road side rest for a 45 minute nap.
Bad News: The Hershey squirts woke me up.
Good News: Made it to Athens and went straight to bed.
Bad News: The trip was over.
Good News: I'm ready to go again.
Bad News: It's 5:30AM and I've been up for three hours.
Good News: No more runs.

Out.

Last Night of My latest Journey

A bit of an anticlimax. Some of my group from the tour attended an international education conference in Nice, France. We, along with a few others, had one last meal together before going our separate ways. This panorama (taken with my new toy) shows all but two who were at the table(well, three counting me). Among those shown are people whom I care for deeply, people I truly enjoy being with, people I barely know, and people I don't know at all. It's only important to me and to them who is who.

I had the Steak Tartar.

On To Kuwait

So we flew into Kuwait City around, I don't know, 8:30 or Nine last night. Two hour flight from Amman. The frickin' visas, which you buy at the airport, took three hours due to the "efficiency" of their system. One of our troop, an American female but of Iraqi birth, had her passport held up for "security reasons." I stayed behind to help as best I could (which was basically just standing there being worthless). The others went on ahead to the hotel. But, as luck would have it she got the visa and we actually caught up to them before they left the airport. That was because the hotel sent a minivan to pick up 20 people with luggage. These buttheads do this every time. No matter how hard you try to convey to them how many there are of us they just say "certainly, sir. No problem," and send the dinky van. (Knowledgeable travelers will correctly guess the geographical origin of most hotel management personnel in the Middle East)

So after valiantly trying to cram 30 large suitcases and 20 people into a van built for eight, we sent the bulk on their way.(They coughed up another minibus which helped) Mark Schroeder of U. of Toledo and I stayed back with the luggage that couldn't be crammed aboard. I was figuring a two hour turn-around before the van made it back to pick us up. But, as luck would have it, the hotel folks magically produced a new leather-seated Volvo for us. In a matter of minutes we were at the hotel being treated like royalty. We were amazed that, even though the others only had about a ten minute head start on us, they were completely checked in and gone to their rooms. Ah, but not so. It seems their bus broke down on the way. And the Last Shall be First!

So by midnight we were safely ensconced. This morning made up for it as we had a little leisure pool time by the Gulf Coast.

How sweet it is.

Hot New Band Outta Dallas...

Yeah, I know it's wrong, but still...

The Perks of this Life...

So we got back to the Amman Sheraton a little after seven PM. I was too lazy to get up early this morning, so I ran to the gym for a short workout. I guess the climb to the Monastery didn't count!

Afterwards I wandered down to the lobby and found my friend's Joseph and Didier having a conversation with the hotel manager, Ms. Maysoun El-Kayyali, an absolutely fascinating lady. And NOT just because she treated us to a sushi dinner and drinks!

Ms. Kayyali puts in WAAAY too many hours at her job, but always makes us welcome. I offered to work for her as her executive assistant, which is the closest I've come to considering actual work in almost two years.

I meet some pretty nice folks in my journeys, but Maysoun ranks right up there with the best. Wonder what kind of visa I'd need to work in Jordan?

Petra...Again

We're in Jordan, leaving tomorrow for Kuwait. Today 15 of us took a bus to Petra, the ancient Nabatean city built around 200 BC or so. I was there last spring, so I'll try not to show the same pictures. This time we had a guide which added to my understanding of the place. For example, the fabulous "temple" known as the Treasury, the one featured in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, actually was NOT a treasury, but a funerarium, a place of burial. People of later years believed the carved urn above the entrance contained valuables and shot at it to get at the loot, which didn't exist. It's still a "Wow" moment when you first spy it as you come through the crack in the mountains known as the "Siq."

The town outside Petra is called "Wadi Mussa." A Wadi is a river valley. Mussa is Moses. Moses, the one of 40 years lost in the desert, was here. This was where the spring he drank from stands.

As we came into Wadi Mussa we stopped for a photo op. Way off in the distance, at the top of the highest point seen to the left of the picture is a mosque erected in honor of Aaron, Moses' little bro. This place is neck deep in history.

Last time I was in Petra I didn't make it the full distance to the end of the city. This time I was determined. There is a Monastery high on one of the mountains. From nearby you can look into Israel. Our guide was certain I couldn't get to the Monastery and make it back to the bus in time because it is a long, hard climb from the valley to the top. That was like waving a red flag in front of a bull. Hey, after all, he didn't know he was talking to a guy who had hammered the Inca Trail to Macchu Picchu AND Adam's Peak in Sri Lanka within the last year. Six of us flattened that little rise, spent half an hour taking in the sights and made it to the bus with ten minutes to spare.

Israel in the distance

The Monastery


There were some pretty spectacular views up there in those mountains

Getaway Day

At the Gate
Cinci to Paris to Amman, Jordan. Eight PM flight. I'll meet many of our tour group in Paris (Charles DeGaulle) tomorrow morning.

I love international travel. I love travel in general. You know that if you've paid any attention at all to this blog. But, Getaway Day is a pain to me. All the waiting. You spend the whole day clock watching. "So many hours until I leave for the airport. So much time to get my workout in (I ran eight miles this morning, the last under seven minutes, a rarity any more), so much time to shower and shave, eat, finish packing, gas up." LEt me just get going. Once I clear security I'm happy.

I got to CVG around five PM, so lots of time. Looking forward to seeing my friends again. Sad to leave Saps. She always knows when I'm not just running to the store. How many more trips does she have to say goodbye? She's at my parent's. They'll spoil her. She deserves it. She's a good dog.

Now for some chow, a look at the bookstore (Borders, nothing jumped out at me. I've already got five or six books in my pack. I stopped to get gas and finished my latest Flashman, "The Mountain of Light," before arriving. Had to stop at a gas station for a half hour to finish the final 30 pages. Didn't want to take it nor leave it unfinished.), and for my favorite activity, people watching.

Dinner of choice appears to be Sbarro's Pizza topped off with a large Starbuck's Chai Tea Latte. This time tomorrow (more or less) I'll be dining on Jordanian Schwarma. Hot cha!

The Flip Side of Political Correctness

So now we have renowned drug addict and flaming asshole Rush Limbaugh making fun of Michael J. Fox' Parkinson symptoms. All for the purpose of countering Fox' plea for stem cell research, which could prove useful in the cure and treatment of Parkinson's, Alzheimer's and other diseases. The point is not that stem cell research will or will not turn out to be the cure. That is the point of doing research.

People like Limbaugh decry what they call "Political Correctness." What some would take for good breeding Limbaugh and his right-wing ilk despise. Why? Because they feel it is their RIGHT to denigrate those who are not like them. Pity the poor boors. It pains them not to be able to openly drop N-bombs, label queers, fags, Kikes, Micks, Spics, Hebes, Slopes, Gooks, Nips, etc. etc. ad nauseum. At least without a wink and a leer. Always with a disparaging remark about being "PC."

So Limbaugh feels taking shots at someone's disease is fair game. You know, Rush would have fit right in with the Third Reich crowd.

My Response (This is so much more fun than actually working!)

Dear Mrs. Wang Chung,

Thank you for your epistle. I am sure I would be a great misrespresentative for your company. I come from a family of rag merchants and feel I am highly qualified to fill your position.

Here are my contacts ifirmation as requested:


> [FULL NAMES]: Shitz A. McGuffney
> [FULL MAILING ADDRESs]: 69 Upyerass Avenue (Opp. police barracks)
> [COUNTRY]: Untied States of Amerika
> [REGION]: Furburger
> [STATE/PROVINCE]: Iowa
> [AGE]: 72
> [SEX]: Not for some time now
> [MARITAL STATUS]: polygamous
> [OCCUPATION]: Sales misrepresentative
> [CURRENT EMAIL]: lagiwekim@yahoo.com
> [TEL/FAX]: (608) 334 7734/ (608) 334 7733

A New Scam Approach

I got this one this morning. Interesting. They're looking for someone "trustwothy." Hey, that's me all over. Besides, they're offering 11:5% commission! AND they're illiterate. How hard can this be? Like taking candy from a baby. I think I'll answer and see what happens. By the way, there actually IS a Wujiang Wanlida Textile co., Ltd. Here's the letter:

Hello

How are you doing, I am Mrs.Wang Ceng,md/ceo wujiang wanlinda textileco;ltd.i am involved in the manufacture and exportation of textile materials to europe,canada,america and some part of the Middle East.

I really need representatives in these regions/provinces for my business to suceed as it is,and that is the reason why i am contacting you now.

Because I am looking for a man/woman who is trustworthy to be in charge of receiving cash on my company's behalf in his/her country.if you know you are not trustwothy please do not bother to reply at all because there is a lot of money is involved here,all I am asking you is if you would like to earn. For the first 60days Reps will receive 11.5% commission on every transaction processeds.
After the 60day trial period, commission will increase to 20:5% from any amount you help us collect from our customers.

Things were not as difficult as this for us exporters in the east because checks from these countries never took any time before they cleared in our territory but now it takes weeks and this slows down production for us.some of these customers even send checks that will not clear eventually at the end of the day and this creates more financial problems for us eastern businesswomen/men.

The best part of this job offer is that you do not have to leave your present place of employment because it is on a part-time basis.You can ask any question concerning the areas where you are not clear and I
assure you that I will answer them to the best of my knowledge.




Please if you are interested to work with us in good faith and honesty, Contact MRS WANG CENG of this company Through this email address below:And also forward your contacts iformation list up below:
wanlindatextilecompany4@yahoo.com.cn

[FULL NAMES]
[FULL MAILING ADDRESs]
[COUNTRY]
[REGION]
[STATE/PROVINCE]
[AGE]
[SEX]
[MARITAL STATUS]
[OCCUPATION]
[CURRENT EMAIL]
[TEL/FAX]
Kindest Regards
Mrs Wang Ceng.
MD/CEO
WUJIANG WANLINDA TEXTILES

A Sad State of Affairs...

It's been four days since I've heard from my Nigerian scammer. He must be on to me.
What do you suppose it was that tipped him off, my calling him "Dumbass," the rumination about the heated seats and my case of 'Roids, or the bit about the British pounds?

It's a shame. I had a whole scenario worked out to string him along, murder, mayhem and mystery. Ah, you can't find decent scammers anymore! Back in the old days any response would have these guys salivating all over you.

What's the world coming to?

Off topic, I see where a 14 year old girl was given the third degree by the Feds for saying Bush was an idiot on her MySpace page. It's just like in the Soviet days when you could go to prison for revealing a State secret. Not much of a secret, I'd say.

BMW scam update

It didn't take long for them to reply to my answer. Here is their latest posting:

Reference Number BMW:2551256003/23

Dear Shitz A. McGuffney,

How are you doing today? I am in receipt of your mail
and i must say that you should count yourself
extremely lucky to have emerged as one of our winners
in this years 2006 BMW LOTTERY PROMO. As you already
know your email address was randomly selected along
with others from a database of over 250,000 (Hey, the first Email said 50,000!)email
addresses drawn from all the continents of the world.
Each email address was attached to a ticket number.
Your email address (Lagiwekim@yahoo.com) with
Reference Number BMW:2551256003/23 was selected along
with others as winners of a cash prize of £450,000.00
(four hundred and fifty thousand Great British Pounds)
and a brand new BMW 5 Series Car
A certificate of prize claims and some vital documents
will be sent along side your winnings cheque and brand
new BMW car.

VISUAL DISPATCH DELIVERIES has been contracted as your
delivery agent to send your winnings safely to you.
Contact their delivery Agent with the contact
information below for further instructions on how to
send your winnings to you.

DELIVERY AGENT.
Mr Victor Bloom
E-MAIL: visualdispatchdelivery@hotmail.com

Its is imperative that you add your Reference Number
BMW:2551256003/23 as the subject of any correspondence
with the courier company to ensure they respond in a
timely manner.
I will require a concise update on the proceedings
with the firm as soon as you are in contact with them.

Regards.
Dunace clem
FIDUCIARY AGENT

OK, here is my response. Notice I haven't contacted them in the way they suggest. they'll get around to pushing me for that soon. Maybe we'll get to the point when they ask for money. (Oh, and by the way, the Fax number I sent in earlier is an actual number belonging to a friend of mine. Wanna bet he gets some interesting faxes?)

Dear Mr. Dumbass Clem,

It's very nice to hear from you. Since I'm from
Amerika I'm not sure how much four hundred and fifty
thousand British pounds weigh. Is it a lot? I mean
if I figure right in this country that would be 225
tons. But, 225 tons of what?

Also, could you tell me a little more about the 2006
BMW 5 Series car. What options are on it? Does it
have heated driver's seats? That would be very
important to me, because I have an acute case of
sub-clinical hemorrhoids. A warm seat is a must for
me, expecially here in the north where it is getting
pretty cold these days.

I'd like one of those Tom Tom's on it too.

Let me know what I have to do.

Your fiend,

Shitz A. McGuffney

Any apparent misspellings or mispronunciations are entirely intentional.

This Should Be an Interesting Drama...

So, I get this E-mail this morning from someone informing me I've won some kind of lottery. I get a 2006 BMW and 450,000 British pounds.

It's obviously another Nigerian scam. But, I can't resist toying with these idiots. So I filled out their little questionnaire and sent it back. They weren't long in replying. I'll copy the back and forth exchange for your pleasure until I get tired of it.

Here's the opening shot and my initial response:

--- AWARD 2006 wrote:

> �BMW MOTOR NOTIFICATION
> BMW COMPANY UK�.
> An Affiliate of Bmw Uk.
> 28 TANFIELD ROAD,
> LONDON, UK.
> Sir/Madam,
>
> We are pleased to inform you of the release, of the
> long awaited results of the BMW CAR
> INTERNATIONAL PROMOTION PROGRAM held on the 14TH
> october, 2006.You were entered
> as dependent clients with: Reference Number
> BMW:2551256003/23 and Secret pin code
> x7pwyz2006 and. Your email address attached to the
> ticket number: 2752246896 that drew
> the lucky winning number, which consequently won the
> sweepstake in the first category,in
> four parts. You have been approved for a payment of
> �450,000.00 (four hundred and fifty thousand Great
> British Pounds) and a brand new BMW
> 5 Series Car credited to file reference number:I
> BMW:2551256003/23. This is from a total cash
> prize of Ten million pounds shared among all our
> international winners in all categories.
>
> CONGRATULATION!!!!!!
> All participants were selected through a computer
> ballot system drawn from 50,000 (Fifty
> thousand) names of email users around the world, as
> part of our international promotion
> program. Due to mixed up of some names and
> addresses, we ask that you keep this award
> personal, till your claims has been processed and
> your funds remitted to you.This is a part
> of our security measures to avoid double claiming or
> unwarranted participants or
> imposters, taking advantage of the situation. You
> are to contact your/our-accredited agent
> for your claim now.
>
>
*************************************************************
> Mr. Dunace Clem
> BMW CLAIMING SECURITY AGENCY.
> Email: dunaceclem012@hotmail.com
>
*************************************************************
>
> He is your agent, and he is responsible for the
> processing and transfer of your winnings to
> you. YOUR SECURITY FILE NUMBER IS BMW:2551256003/23.
> (keep personal) Remember, your
> winning must be claimed on time (AT LEAST 1-2weeks)
> . Failure to claim your prizes
> would result to forfeiting and will be used for the
> next 10,000,000 pounds
> international lottery program. Furthermore, should
> there be any change in your contact
> address, do inform your claims agent as soon as
> possible.You are also advised to provide
> him with the under listed information as soon as
> possible:
>
> 1.Name in
> full-----------Mr. Shitz A. McGuffney
> 2.Address------22 Skidoo Avenue, East Jesus,
Nebraska

3. Nationality---Egyptian----------------
> 4.Age------------69--------------------------
> 5.Occupation----Proctologist------------
> 6.Phone/Fax-----Tel: (617) 923 6646
Fax (617) 923-6025-------
>
> 7.Present
> Country---------America-----------------
> 8.Short comment on our
> products.
> [optional]------I'm happier than a pig in
shit!---------------
> 9.Male/female------sure---------------------
> 10.Fax
> [optional]----------------------------------------
> 11,Annual
> Income------------$153,789--------
> Once again congratulations.
>
> Yours Sincerely,
> (MRS.) JULIAN ROY (Program Co-ordinator.)
> Have Fun,
> The BMW AUTOMOBILE CO.LIMITED� Team

There's This Hot New Band Out of Dallas...

Jason Combs IS David Puddy!!!

I discovered this closely kept secret while watching yet another Seinfeld rerun. Jason is actually Patrick Warburton (aka David Puddy). Especially since Jason got that corporate "adult" haircut.